New Year's Resolutions - Creating Lasting Change

January 3, 2009

Happy Creation Time ….



New Year’s, for many, is a time to evaluate how life is going, a time of setting goals and making resolutions. Or for some, a time when they remember they’ve given up making resolutions, discouraged about lack of success in creating lasting change in their lives.

How can we create lasting change in our lives?

Basically, the only reason we don’t make a change that we say we want to make is that, at some level we’re more committed, either consciously or unconsciously, to what we’re already doing (or not doing). In other words, what we are currently doing—or not doing—is meeting more needs than the change we wish to make.

Often the needs that are being met by the experience we are already having are in the shadows of our consciousness -- are unknown or unacknowledged by ourselves at some level. By accepting ourselves, choosing to love ourselves and what we are currently experiencing (including actions/inactions, thoughts, feelings—all of it), we open to ourselves. Through unconditional self-love, we each open to our deepest self.

This self-love frees us from our aversion to what we are afraid to see, or know, about ourselves. We are free to wonder, “hmmmmm what beautiful quality am I attempting to fulfill by what I am currently doing/not doing?” “How can I appreciate my effort to fulfill this beautiful quality, however unhappy I may be that I’ve been doing it unconsciously?” “hmmmm what can I learn from this ….. I wonder how I can continue to fulfill this quality, maybe even more fully than I am currently experiencing AND make the change I’d like to make?” “hmmmmmmmmm, I wonder…..”

“I won’t look! I won’t see! No – that’s ugly, bad!” In my own experience with aversion to seeing a part of myself that I haven’t welcomed, or feeling feelings such as anger that I’ve been conditioned by our culture to believe are “inappropriate” or “bad”, I have an image of myself as a stubborn 2-year old, with my jaw clenched and my hands covering my eyes or my ears. She likes to hide under the covers, or stand up and stomp her foot. “NO” is her favorite word. I feel so grateful for her. She helps me set boundaries in my life. She’s a gift to me. I’m grateful that I’ve learned to know and love her, and that I get opportunities to choose to love her, and to play with her, again and again.

Knowing ourselves deeply equals power. Knowing why we do (or don’t do) whatever it is we are currently experiencing, is powerful. When we know and accept/welcome/love ourselves at that level, we touch ourselves right at the very place of choice and creativity. The place where we can make another choice, if we wish. A choice that arises not out of ‘against-ness’ to any part of us, but rather out of ‘with-ness’ of whatever it is that we would like to embody or experience.

To me, this is living life creatively. And the process of exploration into this deep inner place of power and wellspring of creativity, and back out into manifesting and embodying the change I want to be, is life’s greatest adventure, greatest promise, and greatest gift.

I’m reminded of a verse from the Upanishad’s, an ancient Yogic text, which I will paraphrase this way --- through practice (and it’s referring to the deep inner contemplation and practice such as I’m writing about, along with cultivating the steadiness of mind and nervous system that supports this deep inner work) it is possible to overcome any obstacle, and to achieve ‘almost’ anything your heart desires.

Happy Creation!


Note: I draw from processes of Compassionate Nonviolent Communication, Para Yoga, and Body Mind Vibrance to facilitate these changes in myself and others.

Honoring Darkness and the Inner Landscape during Winter Solstice

Here is an excerpt from my Yoga class focus today, December 22, 2008, honoring Winter Solstice.

During this season of Winter Solstice, we celebrate darkness. Winter Solstice, which this year is December 21, 2008, is the day of the year when we have the fewest daylight hours.

During this time, we can harmonize with life’s rhythms and honor our connection with earth seasons by cultivating our connection with darkness. To paraphrase one of my teachers, Pandit Rajmani Tigunait, we can learn more and grow more spiritually by turning toward the darkness of our psyches than by turning towards the light. This is the perfect season for such a turning to our inner landscapes, often hidden from awareness due to a busier, more external focus. This season is an invitation to open to the darkness inside of us, knowing and trusting that beauty and underlying essence of life is omni-present.

For clarity, it may be helpful now to refer to a drawing of mind created by Swami Rama of the Himalayas. I invite you to draw this for yourself… He draws a large square with an ‘X’ from corner to corner. In each of the four triangles with the square are the four parts of mind: 1 – left side) Manas: the activity and movement of mind and the ever-present stimulation through the senses, 2 – top side) Ahamkara: the walls or structure of our identity formed by fixed concepts/ideas/beliefs about ourselves, others, and life, 3 – bottom side) Citta: the deep well which holds the seeds of all our thoughts, core beliefs, tendencies to act, and the potential of all humanity, sometimes known as the subconscious, unconscious and the collective unconscious; and 4 – right side) Buddhi: the ray or beam of deep intuition, the discerning wisdom part of the mind. To the right of buddhi is a big circle attached to the right side of the square. This circle represents Purusha, Jiva, also known as the individual soul. Gradually, through spiritual practice, the line between buddhi and the individual soul thins and disappears, so that buddhi is informed directly from the Soul. As Buddhi becomes more refined, it is known as Dhi. Around the whole picture is a larger circle, which is universal soul, or Atman.

Darkness is Citta, and aspects of Ahamkara which are unconscious to us. In our Citta lies the seeds of our Soul’s beauty and greatness, the seeds of destiny, as well as the seeds of the tendencies which cause us to suffer, and to hurt ourselves and others. Depending on our spiritual practice and life choices, some of these seeds will bloom, bear fruit, and manifest fully in our lives, and some of them won’t. The power and responsibility of which ones bloom and which one’s do not in your own life is up to you and chosen by you – either consciously or unconsciously. To me, this is one of the greatest gifts of being human – this freedom, this choice, and this creativity to determine which seeds we will water, and what and who we will become.

Today our yoga practice will include three approaches to darkness – utilizing three distinct Yogic paths.

From Raja yoga or Patanjali yoga, we cultivate steadiness and stability of body and nervous system, in order to align with our inner observer. From this ‘seat’ we can witness whatever arises in the psyche, unaffected by and unattached to what we are witnessing. When we witness and observe, the seeds from Citta do not root and grow in our lives. For those of you who practice the process of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), this approach correlates to one of the 4 components of NVC – observations. Wes Taylor, one of my favorite NVC Trainers, said, “observation is the doorway we pass through for any spiritual practice.”

Tantra Yoga is approach to working with life energy in a multitude of ways. In our practice today, we will work with energy in a particular way to facilitate lightening the grooves of our unconscious tendencies and emptying the deeper contents of mind (Citta) as well as releasing accumulated tension in the body and nervous system. Apana Vayu is the name of this letting go energy. With this approach, we focus on the sensations of energy in the body, rather than observing the contents which are being released.

In Bhakti Yoga, we recognize that all feeling and all expressions of life, regardless of how they appear externally, are actually manifestations of love and the divine. In this approach, all experience is openly welcomed, felt deeply through the heart and the body to the universal quality and essential energy of love which is at its source. This is an approach of love, feeling, trust, surrender and devotion to source. In the process of NVC, this correlates to the components of ‘feelings’ and ‘universal human qualities or needs.’

Blessings to you during this season. I invite you to gift yourself with some kind of ceremony or ritual to honor your own darkness and beauty, and to celebrate the gift of life.

I'd love to hear your comments about what I've written, and invite your feedback.

Lots of love,

Rhonda

Community and NVC in St. Louis

Last evening, Kelsey LaPointe, Hillary Melechen and I co-hosted a St. Louis NVC Community Gathering to share food, connection, NVC learning and practice.

After receiving very few R.S.V.P.'s by mid-week (just one at that time) I decided to relocate the gathering to my home for ease and intimacy. By Friday evening, I had R.S.V.P.'s for 12 adults and 2 children (as well as my own) to attend the gathering. I was a bit nervous that everyone would fit into my small living room, but everyone did.

I feel so excited and happy remembering this event last night:
... the delicious food,
... the 5 newbies to NVC who attended,
.... the several who were more experienced with NVC
.... Hillary's courage and 'jumping into the pool' in facilitating our opening connection exercise,
.... the input from the more experienced NVC-er's contributing to learning for everyone,
.... the warm feeling I experienced seeing pairs practicing 'empathy' with each other spread all over the main floor of my home,
.... the celebration of hearing people's met needs
.... the guidance of one of the participants, Sherry Summers, to suggest I lead a 'living energy of needs' meditation, which to me was such a contribution to the evening,
.... the curiosity and desire one of the participants expressed to continue a conversation to continue learning about needs, NVC-style,
.... the sound of girls singing downstairs,
.... the support of my children to host the visiting children and share the space of our home with visitors,
.... the beauty of the NVC process to create connection and community, even when people meet for the first time,

My heart is filled with joy about community, shared learning, contribution and meaning. What a wonderful life!

Celebrating Community - NVC Style

This weekend, Jeff Brown and I co-led two trainings on Compassionate Nonviolent Communication (NVC) at the First Divine Science Church in St. Louis, Missouri. We led an introduction to NVC Friday evening, and an intermediate session Saturday morning.


I feel happy and warm inside remembering both events, and reconnecting with some people in the St. Louis NVC community I hadn't seen for a while.

Following the training this morning, we gathered for a potluck lunch, followed by a St. Louis NVC community organizing meeting, attended by me and five others. At that meeting, the group did some brainstorming for a mission for St. Louis NVC, and also began to explore some strategies about how we'd like to contribute to more NVC in our area.

Over the three years I've been practicing and learning NVC, I've been struck by the quality of connection I have experienced with others at NVC workshops and trainings. In my experience, practicing this process supports people to shift into a state of connectedness that makes relating very sweet. I'm hopeful about joining with others locally in St. Louis who wish to be part of creating NVC community here.

If that is intriguing to you, I invite you to let me know and to join us in some way, such as an NVC community gathering, a training, or an organizational meeting!

In heart,
Rhonda

The Body and Consciousness

As you may have noticed, the human mind tends to get in ruts, and to repeat itself. We can see this in the way that our patterns (some of them not so pleasant) tend to repeat in our lives. Many people utilize affirmations as a way to change, or attempt to change, these patterns that are not helpful.

In my experience, affirmations can be helpful. However, for me, affirmations have not been the most helpful way to create deep and lasting change. That is because, according to yoga, the spoken word affects only the conscious mind, and not the subconscious and unconscious, which is where these deep patterns (known as samskaras in sanskrit) actually reside.

When we want to make changes at this deeper level, there are several ways we may go about that. Some ways are yoga nidra, a very deep form of relaxation, which is what yogis practice, and which is why some yoga masters actually need very little sleep. Other more modern ways to access this deeper mind include 'morning pages' or stream of consciousness writing, which I learned about in the book The Artist's Way. There are very effective manifestation practices which exist in Tantric Yoga, some of which I have learned from my teacher Yogarupa Rod Stryker, which can be learned from someone initiated in this lineage. There is also the practice of writing your affirmation, followed by writing what thoughts immediately come to mind following that (which is your unconscious mind's way of telling you what you really currently believe), and which can start to dissolve, simply by your witnessing it. There are also practices involving art, and writing with your non-dominant hand. NVC, one of my passions, also includes processes to shift these deep patterns, or core beliefs.

My favorite, fun, quick and profound way to experience, feel, and shift deep patterns, is through movement. Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks have developed some ways to use natural body language and body gestures to help us uncover unconscious messages which surface, moment to moment. With this awareness, there are several oh-so-simple techniques, involving the body and breath, to shift to an experience of Essence (or is-ness, freedom from ego). They are so simple that I have shared them with my children, as play. Today, using these simple shifts, I played with my ex-husband, whom - if you know me well - you may know I have not played with in a very long time. I celebrate using this play to shift some patterns that I have been stuck in for over twenty years! I'd love to share it with you -- to learn more about what I'm doing with this work, contact me.

Celebrating a NVC Dance Floors Training

Last weekend I was in Columbus, Ohio participating in a Nonviolent Communication training, which included two tracks: Developing Fluency with NVC Dance Floors and Facilitating with NVC Dance Floors.

This training was led by Gina Lawrie of the U.K., co-founder of NVC Dance Floors, and my partner, Jeff Brown, NVC Trainer and U.S. Distributor of the NVC Dance Floors. I am thrilled and grateful to have the opportunity to contribute at this training as an assistant trainer, and to support Gina, Jeff, and the participants in the training. I learned so much! As I remember this workshop, I am also celebrating creativity and effectiveness in the design of the workshop which had two tracks which participants could move freely between in each session.

The NVC Dance Floors include NVC processes (created by the founder of NVC, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg). Each step of the process is on a card laid on the floor in a specific order. People 'dance' through the processes, moving their body to the card which is the step of the process they are on. There is not a specific beginning or ending place in the processes--the dancer simply goes to the step which represents their present internal state. To me, practicing NVC Dance floors is a way to engage more fully and wholly in the process of NVC, using visual, spatial, kinesthetic, and auditory forms of learning.

In NVC, we are working with consciousness. A major part of this work is for us to differentiate aspects of consciousness, so we can connect with ourselves in the fullest and most life-affirming way. I love bringing the work of NVC to the dance floors, because for me there is even more clarity in differentiating [the parts of consciousness and parts of each process] by moving the body to the card which represents what's going on inside. And, similar to the yogic practice of Vichara (more about that coming soon), this differentiation or taking apart leads to a "wholling"-- a coming together and rejoining of all the parts in a way that is healing and beautiful.

Can you tell I like this approach?

At this training, I had the opportunity to see and to support dancers (and people who were coaching dancers) through many processes. I am struck by the healing quality of empathic presence which to me is made so clear in NVC. I had many experiences in this training of seeing others coach and support dancers in their process where the air was 'thick' with the tangible, healing quality of empathy and love. And to see people 'blooming' as they received that empathic presence and love. Wow.

I am so moved by this work!

I am grateful to Tom Carlisi for hosting me, Jeff, and Gina, and so, so deeply appreciate his welcome, generosity, sense of fun, and dance ability! I also celebrate the warmth and depth of the Columbus NVC Community, including connections I made for the first time, and people I had the pleasure to get to know better. Thanks, too, to Tracy Wimberly and Andy Workum of Compassionate Communication of Central Ohio (www.nvcohio.org) for organizing and hosting the training, and contributing so much to the dynamic NVC Community in Ohio.

With love,

Rhonda

Love and the Living Energy of Needs

A few weeks ago, my partner and I attended a weekend seminar at Unity Village near Kansas City, Missouri with Byron Katie.

Afterwards we were talking about how Katie seems to emanate love, even when she responds to people with words of praise or encouragement or labelling, such as "You're so sweet." (Which in the process of Nonviolent Communication--NVC for short--we often consider to be obstacles to connection, even if the words are positive, because when we say what we think someone *is* we in essence separate ourselves from them.)

This reminds me how people's intentions behind the words they say are so much more powerful than the words themselves.

I love how NVC is two parts (because the second part helps me with the first part!):

1) A consciousness of love, of interconnectedness, of beingness; and

2) A set of tools including observation, feeling, need, request which help us to focus attention on what goes on inside us, in ways that help us live in the consciousness. This is helpful, because often we are not aware that we are thinking or focusing our attention in ways that separate us from our essence, and from life. Using these tools helps us to become more aware, and to reconnect with the energy of life, through connecting with the Living Energy of Needs.

When we are living in the consciousness, the 'words as tools' become superfluous, as in Katie's example.

I am so inspired by her presence and her love! (In formal NVC, being with her and hearing how she responded to participants beautifully met my needs for presence, love, and wisdom!)

Warmly,
Rhonda