New Year's Resolutions - Creating Lasting Change

January 3, 2009

Happy Creation Time ….



New Year’s, for many, is a time to evaluate how life is going, a time of setting goals and making resolutions. Or for some, a time when they remember they’ve given up making resolutions, discouraged about lack of success in creating lasting change in their lives.

How can we create lasting change in our lives?

Basically, the only reason we don’t make a change that we say we want to make is that, at some level we’re more committed, either consciously or unconsciously, to what we’re already doing (or not doing). In other words, what we are currently doing—or not doing—is meeting more needs than the change we wish to make.

Often the needs that are being met by the experience we are already having are in the shadows of our consciousness -- are unknown or unacknowledged by ourselves at some level. By accepting ourselves, choosing to love ourselves and what we are currently experiencing (including actions/inactions, thoughts, feelings—all of it), we open to ourselves. Through unconditional self-love, we each open to our deepest self.

This self-love frees us from our aversion to what we are afraid to see, or know, about ourselves. We are free to wonder, “hmmmmm what beautiful quality am I attempting to fulfill by what I am currently doing/not doing?” “How can I appreciate my effort to fulfill this beautiful quality, however unhappy I may be that I’ve been doing it unconsciously?” “hmmmm what can I learn from this ….. I wonder how I can continue to fulfill this quality, maybe even more fully than I am currently experiencing AND make the change I’d like to make?” “hmmmmmmmmm, I wonder…..”

“I won’t look! I won’t see! No – that’s ugly, bad!” In my own experience with aversion to seeing a part of myself that I haven’t welcomed, or feeling feelings such as anger that I’ve been conditioned by our culture to believe are “inappropriate” or “bad”, I have an image of myself as a stubborn 2-year old, with my jaw clenched and my hands covering my eyes or my ears. She likes to hide under the covers, or stand up and stomp her foot. “NO” is her favorite word. I feel so grateful for her. She helps me set boundaries in my life. She’s a gift to me. I’m grateful that I’ve learned to know and love her, and that I get opportunities to choose to love her, and to play with her, again and again.

Knowing ourselves deeply equals power. Knowing why we do (or don’t do) whatever it is we are currently experiencing, is powerful. When we know and accept/welcome/love ourselves at that level, we touch ourselves right at the very place of choice and creativity. The place where we can make another choice, if we wish. A choice that arises not out of ‘against-ness’ to any part of us, but rather out of ‘with-ness’ of whatever it is that we would like to embody or experience.

To me, this is living life creatively. And the process of exploration into this deep inner place of power and wellspring of creativity, and back out into manifesting and embodying the change I want to be, is life’s greatest adventure, greatest promise, and greatest gift.

I’m reminded of a verse from the Upanishad’s, an ancient Yogic text, which I will paraphrase this way --- through practice (and it’s referring to the deep inner contemplation and practice such as I’m writing about, along with cultivating the steadiness of mind and nervous system that supports this deep inner work) it is possible to overcome any obstacle, and to achieve ‘almost’ anything your heart desires.

Happy Creation!


Note: I draw from processes of Compassionate Nonviolent Communication, Para Yoga, and Body Mind Vibrance to facilitate these changes in myself and others.

Celebrating a NVC Dance Floors Training

Last weekend I was in Columbus, Ohio participating in a Nonviolent Communication training, which included two tracks: Developing Fluency with NVC Dance Floors and Facilitating with NVC Dance Floors.

This training was led by Gina Lawrie of the U.K., co-founder of NVC Dance Floors, and my partner, Jeff Brown, NVC Trainer and U.S. Distributor of the NVC Dance Floors. I am thrilled and grateful to have the opportunity to contribute at this training as an assistant trainer, and to support Gina, Jeff, and the participants in the training. I learned so much! As I remember this workshop, I am also celebrating creativity and effectiveness in the design of the workshop which had two tracks which participants could move freely between in each session.

The NVC Dance Floors include NVC processes (created by the founder of NVC, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg). Each step of the process is on a card laid on the floor in a specific order. People 'dance' through the processes, moving their body to the card which is the step of the process they are on. There is not a specific beginning or ending place in the processes--the dancer simply goes to the step which represents their present internal state. To me, practicing NVC Dance floors is a way to engage more fully and wholly in the process of NVC, using visual, spatial, kinesthetic, and auditory forms of learning.

In NVC, we are working with consciousness. A major part of this work is for us to differentiate aspects of consciousness, so we can connect with ourselves in the fullest and most life-affirming way. I love bringing the work of NVC to the dance floors, because for me there is even more clarity in differentiating [the parts of consciousness and parts of each process] by moving the body to the card which represents what's going on inside. And, similar to the yogic practice of Vichara (more about that coming soon), this differentiation or taking apart leads to a "wholling"-- a coming together and rejoining of all the parts in a way that is healing and beautiful.

Can you tell I like this approach?

At this training, I had the opportunity to see and to support dancers (and people who were coaching dancers) through many processes. I am struck by the healing quality of empathic presence which to me is made so clear in NVC. I had many experiences in this training of seeing others coach and support dancers in their process where the air was 'thick' with the tangible, healing quality of empathy and love. And to see people 'blooming' as they received that empathic presence and love. Wow.

I am so moved by this work!

I am grateful to Tom Carlisi for hosting me, Jeff, and Gina, and so, so deeply appreciate his welcome, generosity, sense of fun, and dance ability! I also celebrate the warmth and depth of the Columbus NVC Community, including connections I made for the first time, and people I had the pleasure to get to know better. Thanks, too, to Tracy Wimberly and Andy Workum of Compassionate Communication of Central Ohio (www.nvcohio.org) for organizing and hosting the training, and contributing so much to the dynamic NVC Community in Ohio.

With love,

Rhonda

NVC in St. Louis, Missouri

To learn about what is going on in with Nonviolent Compassionate Communication in St. Louis, Missouri, visit www.stlouisnvc.org.

Would you like to be more involved in the NVC community locally? Join our St. Louis yahoo groups:

to discuss and practice NVC online locally, email to stlnvc-discussion-subscribe@yahoogroups.com, or click here.

to hear announcements about NVC workshops, classes, practice groups happening locally, email to stlnvc-announce-subscribe@yahoogroups.com, or click here.

What is Compassionate Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

awakens empathy and honesty
and is sometimes described as "Compassionate Communication,"
“the Language of the Heart,” or “the Yoga of Communication.”

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I’m not a violent person, so what can the NVC process offer me?

This is a common question when people read the term “Nonviolent Communication.”

The word "nonviolent" in Nonviolent Communication refers to the term as Gandhi used it when he spoke of the absence of violence in the human heart. In Nonviolent Communication or NVC, we recognize that certain language we use dehumanizes other people, or disconnects or dissociates us from those people. By using NVC, we seek to stay connected to the beautiful life-energy within us and other people.

NVC is both a spiritual practice that helps us see our common humanity, and a concrete set of skills which help us to live more peacefully. These skills apply to thought, language, and a commitment to "power with," rather than "power over/under." NVC is a learnable process for creating emotional freedom, self-acceptance, inner peace, and fulfilling relationships. It involves expressing ourselves honestly, listening with empathy, and developing a more compassionate inner relationship. People around the world are using NVC skills to transform conflict, create harmony in their relationships, and build a world where everyone's needs are met through natural giving and receiving, and without the use of coercion or violence.

NVC was created by clinical psychologist and international peacemaker Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, whose work is now supported and promoted by the global Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC).

NVC helps people to:

* speak in a way that inspires compassion and understanding
* initiate difficult conversations with more ease and confidence
* remain centered and peaceful while hearing difficult messages
* express anger fully, safely and respectfully - yet powerfully
* shift patterns of thinking that lead to depression, guilt, shame
* enliven yourself by expressing and receiving gratitude
* translate criticism, judgments and blame into life-serving messages
* resolve long-standing conflicts and heal painful relationships
* inspire others to change their behavior willingly.

NVC guides us to reframe how we express ourselves, how we hear others and resolve conflicts by focusing our consciousness on what we are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting.

NVC Workshops provide the opportunity to learn the process, and to learn practical tools which help to apply and integrate the consciousness into your life. Learning and practicing NVC in workshops often meets my needs for inspiration, learning, personal growth, as well as community, support, and play.