Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Enjoying Your Learning

Hello,

When I think about what skills are the most helpful in my own life, the first thing that comes to mind is my relationship to learning, especially what happens in the moment that I first become aware of something I didn’t know about myself, or didn’t know I didn’t know.

I remember when I first learned that feeling all feelings was positive and helpful in life and would bring me in connection with my deeper needs and aliveness. I was surprised! I thought some feelings, such as anger and fear, were a bad thing, and if I were feeling those feelings something was wrong. At that time, I didn’t understand the differentiation between feeling feelings and taking actions – for example, feeling angry and expressing myself to another person are two separate steps. When I first started learning about feeling feelings several years ago, my first response was sadness that I hadn’t known how to be with and feel my feelings before, along with some judgment of myself for not knowing how to be with and feel my feelings before.

The moment when a person first learns something they didn’t know before, is the moment I want to draw your attention to. In my experience, bringing awareness to this particular moment is very powerful and can create a big shift in people’s lives. I’m reminded of these stages of learning that I first heard Wes Taylor, a Nonviolent Communication Trainer whom I like and respect, share in a workshop. The four stages of learning are:

1. unconscious incompetence – you don’t know something that would be helpful to you to know; you don’t know you don’t know.

2. conscious incompetence – you have noticed that you don’t know something or have a skill that you’d like to learn or embody. You catch yourself in your old, habitual, way of doing things that is not helpful to you.

3. conscious competence – through awareness and practice, you start to do what you’d like to do, not do what you’d like not to do, and to embody your learning.

4. unconscious competence – you have integrated what you wanted to learn, and it is easy and natural for you.

The moment I am referring to is the beginning moment of step #2. In the moment when you first notice yourself in an old, unconscious or habitual way of doing something that you’d like to change, cultivate a sense of appreciation of yourself for noticing. Acknowledge to yourself that this is progress – this is a step toward mastery!

What currently happens for you when you first become aware of something you didn’t know you didn’t know?

I invite you to wonder how you can love and appreciate yourself for noticing, and make the shift to appreciation. If you’d like, try on this statement out loud to yourself, “hmmm I wonder how I can create friendlier learning for myself …. ?” “mmmm how can I enjoy myself more as my learning unfolds …. ?”

I invite you to share your experiences and learning with me. If you'd like to share publicly and/or see other people's posts, visit and join my 'Celebrate Life with Rhonda' group on facebook, or post here.

With love from my kitchen table and laptop,
Rhonda

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Desire - having what we really want

Hi there,

I’m enjoying a relaxing, sunny morning herein St. Louis.

My topic today is desire.

As I thought about writing this, it seemed so simple. Now as I sit down at my laptop, laughing, I have many thoughts and memories arising, and am remembering many different teachings about desire.

How about Rumi to begin? “Aspiration is the wings of humankind.”

I heard this from one of my teachers, Yogarupa Rod Stryker, who may have been paraphrasing an ancient scripture, “God is both desire in the awakened mind of a sage and one who sees the futility of desire. However, until you have enjoyed and fulfilled the path of desire, do not renounce it.” Even yoga renunciates renounce worldly things because they desire to be closer to God!

Yoga, Nonviolent Communication, and Conscious Living & Loving methodologies all hold desire as life-enhancing. Here’s what I’ve learned:

• Our internal states, our feelings, desires, wants, needs, provide an internal guidance system to help us live authentically and in harmony with our deepest selves and with each other. Suppressing desire isn’t helpful, as what is suppressed often arises again stronger than before. Keep in mind that knowing and accepting what we desire is not the same as taking action. What I’m referring to is coming into harmony with ‘what is’ inside us – being with and breathing with ourselves in a given moment.

• We can best know what we really want and take actions to have what we really want when we’re in a state of contentment and fullness; when we’re in harmony with what is right now.

• To move into the state of contentment, sometimes we need to face and accept something, or feel some feelings, that we haven’t faced, accepted, or felt. This non-resistance liberates us to be content with where we are and what we have or don’t have. Paradoxically, when we’re free-er from the wanting, we also become free-er to have what we want!

• It’s helpful to be connected to the qualities alive in what we want. When we become fully connected and “fulfilled” with the qualities, sometimes we may find we don’t actually want the thing we thought we wanted. And sometimes we still do want it, from a place of inner fullness.

• From knowing and accepting ourselves as we are, including our feelings and desires, we become more whole and enjoy ourselves more. And simultaneously we become more loving and accepting of others. People love being accepted and loved!

So, what do you really want right now? Perhaps it’s a drink of water, or a stretch. Start simple, in the present moment. Many present moments lived in harmony with our deepest desires lead to a life aligned with deepest desire.
I’m celebrating that my own inquiry into what I really want -- which I have been thinking was a relocation for me and my family to California creating a circle of love and beauty around me and the kids -- has, after much facing, accepting and mourning old sadnesses, morphed into wanting to stay right where I am! I’m so delighted with my exploration, and I can tell you, it’s a very different experience for me than it would have been if I had just told myself I really should stay right where I am. I appreciate the dance I do with life, and the surprises and delights that greet me in my commitment to live authentically and in integrity with my essence. Today, I’m celebrating the circle of love and beauty that I am experiencing right where I am.

Here’s to you deeply knowing and having what you want. As you thrive, the whole universe thrives.

Love,
Rhonda

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Living Creatively - Commitment

I love living creatively, each action I take like another brushstroke of paint on the canvas of my life, or the next line in my story. I enjoy making it up as I go along, learning from every situation, loving me unconditionally, and choosing what’s next …

One way I do this is to claim ownership of what’s happening in my life whether I like it or not, like ‘Today is Tuesday and my house is messy.’ Then noticing how I feel and breathing and moving with my feelings, letting myself be. Then wondering what I want… aaah this I my favorite part! As I have clarity about what I want, next is stepping into my willingness to have, be or create what I want, breathing, feeling the fear or whatever feelings emerge as I acknowledge what I want and open myself to the possibility of having it. When I am ready, breathing and flowing with my own willingness, next comes commitment. I experience commitment as a statement to life, the universe, God, that I am a creator. I am taking responsibility for my life. I choose to create! What a miracle to see, feel, and acknowledge my own power as a wondrous, creative human being this way. I step forward, as I say out loud, “I commit to …. ”

Go ahead! I invite you to take on this practice if it’s new to you! Will you share about how things unfold?

Keep in mind, commitment is not just once. There’s choosing, committing, feeling, learning, drifting, choosing again (recommitting), not necessarily in that order. The creative process of life is ongoing.

To life! and to companionship on the journey :)
Rhonda

P.S. I have created a Facebook group called "Celebrate Life with Rhonda" and I invite you to join me there!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Fear

April 5 at 2:58pm
Hi!

I’m writing to you about a topic near and dear to my heart (and my stomach), and something that I’ve been experiencing, welcoming, dancing with lately: Fear. Lots has been written about it. I know of many perspectives on fear, and ways to deal with it, and I’m guessing you do, too.

What I want to know is: How is your relationship with fear? Do you ‘handle it’? Presence it? Dance with it? Judge it? Ignore it? Feel it? Play with it? Magnify it? Empathize with it? Transcend it? Transform it? Something else…?

What’s fear like for you? How does it feel? When you’re scared, how do you know you’re scared?

Hmmmmm, I wonder…

Sometimes when I feel scared, I notice it first as a sensation in my body – such as a clenching under my ribs. Sometimes I notice fear as a quickening of my heartbeat, and a (sometimes subtle) jerking, flinching, surging sensation through my body, rather than the flow and relaxation that is often present inside me. Sometimes I experience myself stopping – holding my breath briefly after a shallow inhale, or abruptly stopping / freezing my shoulders – and it is not until the next breath begins that I notice that I had been ‘stopped,’ afraid.

Sitting in my office chair downstairs writing this, I feel some tension under my collarbones. I notice a voice inside saying that I am not ready to be writing to you – that I have not grown and developed enough yet, and that I should wait. This voice wants to protect me and keep me safe, and also to keep my life predictable. Also, underneath this voice is a desire to excel at what I do. I’m breathing, noticing my collarbones expanding and lightening, and feeling a knot under my ribs. As I breath, the sensation under my ribs grows and grows. Now it’s excitement! I’m asking the voice who desires excellence to help me be as excellent as I can in writing this to you, and as excellent as I can be in my life. Yes! I’m writing this to you now from a unified sense inside me, excited, eager to share, open, ready to learn, and ready to accept whatever happens. Feels like I am all here now. Zowie!

I am curious about how fear can affect taking action (or not taking action), and have been wondering what I can learn about fear, action, and timing for the last several weeks. What I’ve noticed is that when I’m afraid and relax deeply into acceptance and welcoming everything happening inside me, sometimes the sensations of fear dissolve within seconds and I easefully shift into action. At other times, it is as if the fear is calling me to rest, lay low, be still, to integrate, breathe, and just love and accept myself as I am in that moment. To love myself just because. I find that taking action, especially forceful action, when something deep within my being is calling for rest creates a split inside me. Through presence, love, and openness to learning, I’m resting into a more trusting experience with life more often than I ever have before. I feel an expansion in my throat and jaw, like a sunrise. Marvelous!

One tangible result of my recent explorations of fear is that I am finding myself consistently able to be more present with the people I am close to, even in situations where previously I didn’t have the capacity. This is a big celebration to me. Right now I am thinking of my children, and how much I like feeling close to them … my heart feels warm.

I’m celebrating all the people who have joined this group so far, celebrating so many wise ones who I know and love from the Para Yoga, NVC, and Conscious Loving communities. Will you share something about how you experience fear and what that is like for you?

I feel so happy when I imagine us sharing about fear, learning, being in community.

Joy!
Rhonda

P.S. This letter was originally posted to my 'Celebrate Life with Rhonda' group on facebook.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

New Year's Resolutions - Creating Lasting Change


January 3, 2009

Happy Creation Time ….



New Year’s, for many, is a time to evaluate how life is going, a time of setting goals and making resolutions. Or for some, a time when they remember they’ve given up making resolutions, discouraged about lack of success in creating lasting change in their lives.

How can we create lasting change in our lives?

Basically, the only reason we don’t make a change that we say we want to make is that, at some level we’re more committed, either consciously or unconsciously, to what we’re already doing (or not doing). In other words, what we are currently doing—or not doing—is meeting more needs than the change we wish to make.

Often the needs that are being met by the experience we are already having are in the shadows of our consciousness -- are unknown or unacknowledged by ourselves at some level. By accepting ourselves, choosing to love ourselves and what we are currently experiencing (including actions/inactions, thoughts, feelings—all of it), we open to ourselves. Through unconditional self-love, we each open to our deepest self.

This self-love frees us from our aversion to what we are afraid to see, or know, about ourselves. We are free to wonder, “hmmmmm what beautiful quality am I attempting to fulfill by what I am currently doing/not doing?” “How can I appreciate my effort to fulfill this beautiful quality, however unhappy I may be that I’ve been doing it unconsciously?” “hmmmm what can I learn from this ….. I wonder how I can continue to fulfill this quality, maybe even more fully than I am currently experiencing AND make the change I’d like to make?” “hmmmmmmmmm, I wonder…..”

“I won’t look! I won’t see! No – that’s ugly, bad!” In my own experience with aversion to seeing a part of myself that I haven’t welcomed, or feeling feelings such as anger that I’ve been conditioned by our culture to believe are “inappropriate” or “bad”, I have an image of myself as a stubborn 2-year old, with my jaw clenched and my hands covering my eyes or my ears. She likes to hide under the covers, or stand up and stomp her foot. “NO” is her favorite word. I feel so grateful for her. She helps me set boundaries in my life. She’s a gift to me. I’m grateful that I’ve learned to know and love her, and that I get opportunities to choose to love her, and to play with her, again and again.

Knowing ourselves deeply equals power. Knowing why we do (or don’t do) whatever it is we are currently experiencing, is powerful. When we know and accept/welcome/love ourselves at that level, we touch ourselves right at the very place of choice and creativity. The place where we can make another choice, if we wish. A choice that arises not out of ‘against-ness’ to any part of us, but rather out of ‘with-ness’ of whatever it is that we would like to embody or experience.

To me, this is living life creatively. And the process of exploration into this deep inner place of power and wellspring of creativity, and back out into manifesting and embodying the change I want to be, is life’s greatest adventure, greatest promise, and greatest gift.

I’m reminded of a verse from the Upanishad’s, an ancient Yogic text, which I will paraphrase this way --- through practice (and it’s referring to the deep inner contemplation and practice such as I’m writing about, along with cultivating the steadiness of mind and nervous system that supports this deep inner work) it is possible to overcome any obstacle, and to achieve ‘almost’ anything your heart desires.

Happy Creation!


Note: I draw from processes of Compassionate Nonviolent Communication, Para Yoga, and Body Mind Vibrance to facilitate these changes in myself and others.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Honoring Darkness and the Inner Landscape during Winter Solstice


Here is an excerpt from my Yoga class focus today, December 22, 2008, honoring Winter Solstice.


During this season of Winter Solstice, we celebrate darkness. Winter Solstice, which this year is December 21, 2008, is the day of the year when we have the fewest daylight hours.

During this time, we can harmonize with life’s rhythms and honor our connection with earth seasons by cultivating our connection with darkness. To paraphrase one of my teachers, Pandit Rajmani Tigunait, we can learn more and grow more spiritually by turning toward the darkness of our psyches than by turning towards the light. This is the perfect season for such a turning to our inner landscapes, often hidden from awareness due to a busier, more external focus. This season is an invitation to open to the darkness inside of us, knowing and trusting that beauty and underlying essence of life is omni-present.

For clarity, it may be helpful now to refer to a drawing of mind created by Swami Rama of the Himalayas. I invite you to draw this for yourself… He draws a large square with an ‘X’ from corner to corner. In each of the four triangles with the square are the four parts of mind: 1 – left side) Manas: the activity and movement of mind and the ever-present stimulation through the senses, 2 – top side) Ahamkara: the walls or structure of our identity formed by fixed concepts/ideas/beliefs about ourselves, others, and life, 3 – bottom side) Citta: the deep well which holds the seeds of all our thoughts, core beliefs, tendencies to act, and the potential of all humanity, sometimes known as the subconscious, unconscious and the collective unconscious; and 4 – right side) Buddhi: the ray or beam of deep intuition, the discerning wisdom part of the mind. To the right of buddhi is a big circle attached to the right side of the square. This circle represents Purusha, Jiva, also known as the individual soul. Gradually, through spiritual practice, the line between buddhi and the individual soul thins and disappears, so that buddhi is informed directly from the Soul. As Buddhi becomes more refined, it is known as Dhi. Around the whole picture is a larger circle, which is universal soul, or Atman.

Darkness is Citta, and aspects of Ahamkara which are unconscious to us. In our Citta lies the seeds of our Soul’s beauty and greatness, the seeds of destiny, as well as the seeds of the tendencies which cause us to suffer, and to hurt ourselves and others. Depending on our spiritual practice and life choices, some of these seeds will bloom, bear fruit, and manifest fully in our lives, and some of them won’t. The power and responsibility of which ones bloom and which one’s do not in your own life is up to you and chosen by you – either consciously or unconsciously. To me, this is one of the greatest gifts of being human – this freedom, this choice, and this creativity to determine which seeds we will water, and what and who we will become.

Today our yoga practice will include three approaches to darkness – utilizing three distinct Yogic paths.

From Raja yoga or Patanjali yoga, we cultivate steadiness and stability of body and nervous system, in order to align with our inner observer. From this ‘seat’ we can witness whatever arises in the psyche, unaffected by and unattached to what we are witnessing. When we witness and observe, the seeds from Citta do not root and grow in our lives. For those of you who practice the process of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), this approach correlates to one of the 4 components of NVC – observations. Wes Taylor, one of my favorite NVC Trainers, said, “observation is the doorway we pass through for any spiritual practice.”

Tantra Yoga is approach to working with life energy in a multitude of ways. In our practice today, we will work with energy in a particular way to facilitate lightening the grooves of our unconscious tendencies and emptying the deeper contents of mind (Citta) as well as releasing accumulated tension in the body and nervous system. Apana Vayu is the name of this letting go energy. With this approach, we focus on the sensations of energy in the body, rather than observing the contents which are being released.

In Bhakti Yoga, we recognize that all feeling and all expressions of life, regardless of how they appear externally, are actually manifestations of love and the divine. In this approach, all experience is openly welcomed, felt deeply through the heart and the body to the universal quality and essential energy of love which is at its source. This is an approach of love, feeling, trust, surrender and devotion to source. In the process of NVC, this correlates to the components of ‘feelings’ and ‘universal human qualities or needs.’


Blessings to you during this season. I invite you to gift yourself with some kind of ceremony or ritual to honor your own darkness and beauty, and to celebrate the gift of life.


I'd love to hear your comments about what I've written, and invite your feedback.


Lots of love,

Rhonda

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Community and NVC in St. Louis

Last evening, Kelsey LaPointe, Hillary Melechen and I co-hosted a St. Louis NVC Community Gathering to share food, connection, NVC learning and practice.

After receiving very few R.S.V.P.'s by mid-week (just one at that time) I decided to relocate the gathering to my home for ease and intimacy. By Friday evening, I had R.S.V.P.'s for 12 adults and 2 children (as well as my own) to attend the gathering. I was a bit nervous that everyone would fit into my small living room, but everyone did.

I feel so excited and happy remembering this event last night:
... the delicious food,
... the 5 newbies to NVC who attended,
.... the several who were more experienced with NVC
.... Hillary's courage and 'jumping into the pool' in facilitating our opening connection exercise,
.... the input from the more experienced NVC-er's contributing to learning for everyone,
.... the warm feeling I experienced seeing pairs practicing 'empathy' with each other spread all over the main floor of my home,
.... the celebration of hearing people's met needs
.... the guidance of one of the participants, Sherry Summers, to suggest I lead a 'living energy of needs' meditation, which to me was such a contribution to the evening,
.... the curiosity and desire one of the participants expressed to continue a conversation to continue learning about needs, NVC-style,
.... the sound of girls singing downstairs,
.... the support of my children to host the visiting children and share the space of our home with visitors,
.... the beauty of the NVC process to create connection and community, even when people meet for the first time,

My heart is filled with joy about community, shared learning, contribution and meaning. What a wonderful life!